July 30, 2013

One Lakewood man will rake in all the cash == ON YOUR BLOOD

One guy was pushing the township for a long time to give him permits to put up electronic billboards, and the twp finally gave in. For a stupid 5,000 dollars a year he will get 10 permits for 10 signs all over Lakewood (500 dollars per sign). Each sign will be 10 feet high by 30 feet wide; the screen itself. Welcome to Times Square!

Lakewood traffic is already a nightmare. We already have 'yeshiva' rush hour, playgroup rush hour, Friday school rush hour, piano lessons rush hour, Chanuka party by the Rebbe rush hour, Shloyme's 'healthy potato kugel without potatoes' rush hour, Yanke's peanut butter and jelly sandwich without peanut butter rush hour, Hershel's coconut ice cream made in heaven rush hour, taking the shaitel for the fourth time to the shaitelmacher rush hour, manicures and pedicures and shmedicures all for the price of one, rush hour, and Prozac at West Gate pharmacy rush hour.

And this is just the beginning. Then you have a text that just came in that they need another 10 Elmo napkins for Chayas birthday party. They also need a strawberry shortcake from 'Estees', A chocolate long cake from Hollenders, A lemon medium cake from Ziegelmanns, and a grand oozing kokosh cake from Hershys. All this while you're driving on route 9, bumper to bumper.

And then the call comes in. "Yanky put his head in the toilet, and now he's hiding in the closet next to your mink coat". AND IF THIS WASN'T ENOUGH, we now have a billboard as big as a house, telling you that you don't have to make your own zaltsvasser any more. You can now buy ready made zaltsvasser, kosher for Passover, signed by 101 Rabbis. Just call 68402+6745678967893456. Write it down.

Poor lady. She smashed her Land Rover into the telephone pole, and all the Sushi went flying all over the place. They say there was a lot of Sushi at the Hatzala dinner that night.