May 30, 2012

Eliyahu Fink has an underwear problem with G-d

And Leah's eyes were weak, while Rachel was beautiful in form, and beautiful in appearance (Genesis 29, 17). Now what does it mean "weak eyes?" If it really means weak eyes, we know that the Torah does not even say the word "tamea animal", but it rather says "an animal which is not tahor" in order not to embarrass the animal, (8 extra letters in the Torah) so certainly the Torah would not embarrass Leah in public. Rather the real meaning says rabbi Elazar is "aruchos", that great kings and priests came out of her. (Bava Basra 123a)

Rav says that it really does mean weak eyes, but it's something to be proud of, because Leah overheard the people in the street talking that Lavan has 2 daughters, and Rifka has 2 sons. The older one (Leah) will go to the older one (Esau), and the younger one will go to the younger one (Yakov). So she would hang out in the busy intersections and ask people "what is the older boy like?" And they would say "he's an evil man who robs everyone". "And what is the younger boy like?" "He's a nice boy who learns in yeshiva". And then she sat and cried until her eyelashes fell out.

And this is what it means " and G-d saw that Leah was hated so he opened her womb" (Genesis 29, 31) What does it mean "she was hated?" If the Torah would not even embarrass an animal would the Torah embarrass a righteous person like Leah? But what it really means is that G-d saw that she hated the deeds of Esau, so he opened her womb immediately and she got a Bechor (As a present) (Bava Basra 123a)

Not only did she get a Bechor but she also had 6 tribes (Including Levi and Yehuda) while the other 3 wives only had 2. And when she became pregnant with the seventh child she said OH! OH! If I have another boy then my sister Rachel will only have 1 boy, while the maidservants had 2 each (Everyone knew there was supposed to be 12 tribes) so she prayed to G-d and it was turned into a girl (Deena). (Brachos 60a)

So important was it to bring Jews into the world that Leah ripped out her virginity with her fingers prior to having sex so that she can become pregnant right away (Tosfos Yevamos 76a). And Tamar did the same thing (Yevamos 34b). Her first 2 husbands were progressive post-modernists, and they didn't want her to become pregnant and lose her beauty, so what did they do? They only had anal sex with her, and she was still a virgin. So before she seduced Yehuda she ripped out her virginity so she could become pregnant right away. She was very righteous, and she was dying to have kids from Yehuda

So what happened at the end of the day? At the end of the day kind David and Moshiach came out of her. The wheels of fortune go round and round. First Yehuda lost his leadership over his brothers after he sold Yosef. Then he got married and had 3 kids. Then he lost a son, and then another son (Tamar's husbands). And then he lost his wife. But he still held on rock tight and did not go OTD. But at the end of the day he married a beautiful young girl, and he planted the seeds of king David and Moshiach. (See Sota 10b) (And click Mar 14)

This is how the Torah sees the world. But according to Eliyahu Fink and his gang of reform rabbis, Leah was a first class idiot for marrying Yakov instead of Esau. She could have had a blast instead of being all locked up. Like instead of her husband showing her underwear to a rabbi she could have auctioned off her used underwear on E-bay. And instead of being a stupid MOM for klal yisrael she could have aborted her kids and become a real rabbi, WOW! Not only that but she could have had a tattoo on her back showing Pearlperry Reich driving a dirt bike from Victoria's Secret to the fish store. (Talk about cool)

She could have stood on line in Great Adventure in 100 degree weather, dressed 3/4 naked, sipping a banana strawberry mango smoothie, reminiscing about the great "meat market" in Seaside Heights on Memorial Day weekend. And of course she would have sat in front of the bus instead of the back, which is a longtime  machlokes between Yakov and Esau. (See Dec 23)

You see that lady sitting across the street by the window? You see how she's crying? Now why is she crying? She's crying because she just saw a duck with 12 little cutie things running after her. And then she saw a chasidic lady with 10 little cutie things running after her. 

And then it starts. What about me? What happened to me? I aborted 1 kid to be a doctor, another kid to be a lawyer, and a third one to be a rabbi. I had a beautiful little boy, but he was hit by a car. I now have nothing. NOTHING! WHY? WHY? Why did I listen to those ugly wretched feminists telling me to abort my babies? Why do you need women doing men's jobs if there are plenty of men out there? Who is going to raise the Jewish tribes to grow up normal and love Hashem if not the women?

No No, you don't understand. It's all about "empowerment", it's all about "choice". Yeah! Yeah! You can take your teddy bear and go back to the window. Give your teddy bear a hug once in a while.